Here is gone

Yes, I just quoted a Goo Goo Dolls song at you. I can’t help it; it’s my age.

This song in particular used to have a great deal of significance to me. It reminded me of my marriage.

You and I got something
But it’s all and then it’s nothing to me
And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be

We’d been married three months. So that was a big clue as to how things would turn out.

It’s also how I feel about where I live. Actually, I haven’t lived here, all these years; I’ve resided here, but my eyes were on the horizon. Looking for somewhere, anywhere, to go. I’ve applied for jobs. I’ve researched work visas. I’ve even looked into the requirements for attending far-off universities. I just haven’t gone yet. But neither have I been here.

Now, however, I find myself in an odd place: both here and gone. I want to move on. To move closer to family. To move to a totally new place. To go somewhere with seasons, somewhere with more opportunity, somewhere more in line with who we are and what we believe. Yet at the same time, I feel ties here that I never felt before. I love the local parks. The annual street fair. I love reading up on local history. I scout out local shops and restaurants and vendors.

I’m not really committed to my area, though. It’s more like I am committed to the idea of being committed to my area. I want to be fully a part of my community. I just don’t think I want it to be this community. But I’m here, and it’s here, so…love the one you’re with, I guess.

It’s an odd feeling, living in two places in your heart. I’ve done it most of my life. But at least before I knew where each place was. Now one of them is unknown to me.

Doesn’t mean I love it any less.

Lately, though, I feel even more temporary about my location. Now I no longer have a job – just a handful of clients. I’m freer than I’ve been since the six months after grad school. Not totally free; I am still broke, and have small children now. But the chains that have been holding me here lost a link or three.

Interestingly enough, this realization has made me want to soak up all the here I can. Before I’m gone.


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