Empty of anthems

I am, as I believe I’ve mentioned, a member of Generation X. I had coffee and smokes with Ethan Hawke. Broke Big Head Todd’s heart. Left Rob Thomas sitting by the side of the road. I sat in broken silence with Johnny Rzeznik. Ate cereal in the dark with Christian Slater. Watched shooting stars with Joe Hedges. Gave my garage door opener to Campbell Scott. Got lost with Matt Nathanson.

Inside, I am still that girl. But I’m also more. And I’m hard pressed to find music and movies I relate to quite that strongly these days. Is it because I am no longer 20? Because I’m over the hill, and therefore sitcom fodder? They play the music of my youth in grocery stores now. Which I guess is okay, since that’s where I spend a lot of my time.

I wouldn’t trade 40 for 20 if you paid me – 40 is better, hands down.

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Still, I feel rather nicheless right now. The women my age tend to have grown kids, or at least older ones. The women with kids the same age as mine are typically younger and don’t tend to have careers; some don’t even have jobs. They’re mostly married or single – not in this limbo in which I find myself.

What am I? Other than out of step with almost everyone else, I mean. I feel pretty isolated, just like I did in my 20s. And maybe a little lonely.

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Except this time around, I don’t even have music and movies to turn to for validation. Perhaps I might find kindred spirits in books…but who has time for books when you have two kids, two jobs, and a man who bitterly resents the loss of alone time with you?

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I listen to 20-year-old music because that is what speaks to me. But I am not in that place anymore. I need to find some updated tunes. And I will continue to search for an adequate representation of my current state in literature and film.

Hell, maybe I’ll write my own.

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