As I type this, my grandmother is dying. My last living grandparent. I don’t know how to feel about that, about her. We are not close. Probably never could have been. I am sad for so many reasons that don’t really involve her. Which feels, let’s be honest, really shitty. I try not to be shitty, but I also try not to lie.
I do feel bad for my dad, though. That’s his mom. He lost his stepdad not quite a year ago, right before his birthday. Before that, the last person he lost was his father, back when he was about Anya’s age. That’s a long, long time to go between losses. I can’t imagine what he must be feeling right now.
I haven’t gone so long. I’ve gotten better about dealing with pain, but pain comes in all sorts of varieties, and they all must be dealt with. Mine doesn’t feel as important as his, so I will set mine aside for now and do what I need to do for him. I can deal with me later.
In recent months, my grandparents’ home was demolished. I can’t even imagine how that must feel for Dad. I know it guts me, and I never lived there. But it’s been a part of my life since I’ve had a life to be a part of. It was a touchstone, a constant, in a life that hasn’t offered much in the way of either. And it’s gone now. I was dreading seeing it already, but now I know that I will most likely see it in the context of my grandmother’s funeral, and it’s almost more than I can bear to think about. In the space of a year, they and all that they worked for in this life are just…gone.
Loss is a part of life. I know the drill by now. But I am sad. And I wanted to take a moment to just feel that sadness before I go on with my day. I know from past experience that I won’t get much opportunity for quiet reflection later on, and if I don’t feel these things in the moment, they will blindside me later, when I am least expecting it.
Edit: I just learned that she passed this morning. I still don’t know how to feel. But I don’t have much time to worry about that right now, because I need to prepare for a road trip.